I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
