Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
