so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
