i already hear my dad disowning me
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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