I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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