I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
