I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
In America we eat man semen.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We're too hungover to prance.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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