New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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