i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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