I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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