theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
