not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
