What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
