eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
