I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my shit smells like andre
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
