I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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