Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
