apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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