ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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