he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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