Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
