Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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