I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
