its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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