fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
