U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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