I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
