My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
