Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
