Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this boner is exhausting
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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