I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You need Xanax blowdarts
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
