1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
