turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
