dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
