i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
3pm strippers are depressing
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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