she woke up with a sticky ear
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
do nipples grow back?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
