He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize