I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
