Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
