I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
