your parents love me but you hate me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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