hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
