Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
