i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
