I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
