you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
