I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
