I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
