And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
