the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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