I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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