Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
