So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
