I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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