trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
cat food counts as protein by the way
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
