So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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